What Christmas Should Be..

Wowzers. Christmas is in 5 days! I don't have shopping done, packages aren't sent out, I don't have my menu planned or my house clean, my tree isn't finished, my house isn't decorated, I can't find my carving knife.... Ah! I'm not ready!!

Who the hell cares?!?

I hate what Christmas has turned into. Growing up I was one of those kids who, if I didn't have a truck full of toys by 1100 on Christmas morning, was utterly ticked off and disappointed. Looking back, I'm sure I was a little pain in the you know what. However, regardless of how ridiculous or petty those gifts were, I never looked at my grandma, or my mom, or my friend and scowled and thought it wasn't good enough. Sure, the giant stuffed animals and 60 porcelain dolls my grandma gave me EVERY year got a little routine, but I can't say I wasn't thankful for them.

In fact, those 60 porcelain dolls I have are some of the most difficult things for me to part with right now. Do I love porcelain dolls? Not really, however my grandma gave them and they are part of the memories connected to the 19 years of my life my grandma was here. It isn't the gifts I love, it's the thoughts of our entire family sitting around, intact, eating too much, watching Christmas movies or the football game, and just enjoying each other's company.

THOSE are the things that Christmas should be about. I don't remember more than a few presents I received as a child, but I do remember my grandma tickling my feet when I sat next to her on the couch and sitting at the kids table with my cousin and brothers and watching Dylan out eat half the adults sitting at the "Big People" table.

Of course, every parent wants their child to have some gifts under the tree and a large Christmas dinner spread for their family, but no one's life is going to end if a child doesn't receive 15 gifts on Christmas morning. I have seen a huge number of posts on Facebook and other sites this year of people begging for donations from people or families that want to have the "perfect" Christmas but can't afford to buy their children everything they've ever dreamed of.  People saying they don't even want to do Christmas because they can only afford "a few gifts" for everyone, or acting so ungrateful for help offered to them through programs like Sears Heroes at Home by saying "What good is $50?!" make me sick.

Sorry to be so blunt, but get over it. Be happy you have a home, and food on the table. Be happy that you aren't sitting at a shelter wishing someone would get you a good pair of shoes and a jacket without holes in it for Christmas. Be thankful your husband isn't deployed this year, or you get to visit home for the holidays. Stop taking for granted the small things, and get the kids something they will appreciate, or maybe something they can learn from.

If you are so materialistic that being able to provide hundreds of dollars of gifts for your children on Christmas is more important than the memories you could make as a family celebrating a simple holiday, you have your priorities pretty messed up. On the other hand, if your child is so spoiled that they will be unsatisfied and ungrateful because they "only" got a few things for Christmas, there are many lessons you should be teaching your child as opposed to spending your time stalking the toy department.

A three year old won't remember this year, next year, or even the following year, that they didn't get everything on their Christmas list but I guarantee they will know if you were an ungrateful Scrooge because you weren't satisfied with the things that you DO have and COULD provide for them.

Do us all a favor, quit with the entitled attitude and don't mess up Christmas for those of us who appreciate the little things.

An Angel Baby and a Rainbow Baby

You see two pink lines, and it hasn't really hit you. You're pregnant, there is a little tiny embryo, or maybe a fetus, thriving inside of you. You look down at your unchanged abdomen, and it hasn't really hit you that you're going to be a mother. You're thrilled, overjoyed, and overwhelmed all at the same time. Weeks go by and it starts to sink in, you start glancing at baby clothes and surfing the web late at night for only the best things for your little baby.

The thought crosses your mind a few faint times that something could go wrong, but it could never happen to you. You're pregnant, and you're going to be a mommy! That's what I thought too, and then something did go wrong. At 10 weeks pregnant, I found out I was never going to meet my little baby. In fact, I was carrying a blighted ovum and there was no real baby at all.

In my mind, my world had collapsed. For 6 weeks I had been overjoyed with the idea of becoming a mother, that there was a living baby with a beating heart within me. I told everyone. I window shopped (and even bought a few things!) only to find out there would be no baby in just a few short months to wear those clothes, or to sit in that stroller. There is nothing worse than losing a child. Even if you have never held that child in your arms, you love him or her and the rush of emotions, pain and guilt, is unmatched. I knew there was nothing I had done wrong, and there was nothing anyone could have done to change things but I was devastated just the same.

A few weeks passed, and I had moved on from the emotional mess I had become and realized there was another chance. On Thanksgiving 2010, only 7 weeks after our angel baby left us, we discovered I was pregnant with our rainbow baby.

I have never been so thankful for anything in my entire life. Ayana is four months old now, and there is not a day that has passed that I have not done my best to be a great mother and provide everything she needs. Becoming a mother is the most accomplished thing I have done in the last 22 years. 

That's right, I'm 22 years old. I'm what some would consider a "young mother." Young mother? Maybe. Great mother? I would like to think so.  Age has no bearing on the greatness of a parent. I am the wife of a soldier, I have lived in 3 different states in the last three years, I have lost a baby and had a baby, and I have lived and learned through it all and there is no reason I am less qualified to be an outstanding mother based on how old I am.

 I love and appreciate my daughter, and there is nothing in this world I would not do to give her everything she needs to thrive. If there is any doubt in anyone's mind that I am not cut out for this because I am "only" 22, then you have failed to become an adult yourself and look past the meaning of a number and to the fact that I am not a drug addict or homeless, neglectful or hurtful, uneducated or ignorant. I am an adult, a wife, and a mother, and there is nothing in this world I believe I am more fit to be.

Losing our first pregnancy has taught me to appreciate what I have. There are no guarantees. It taught me love, for without the love I had for that tiny being and the love I felt from Tyler and the friends and family that supported me I would never have grown from the loss. I have an angel baby, and I have a rainbow baby, and I am a great mother because of them both.  

A Little on the Crunchy Side

Being a stay at home mom has opened up a million doors that I never knew existed. Between the information super highway known as the world wide web, and a wonderfully addictive social networking site referred to by my grandpa as that "Face thing" I have learned so much about alternative parenting methods, and ways outside the "normal" ways to care for a child.

Thus, I am on the verge of becoming a "Crunchy" mom.

I can imagine the things going through your head right now. Yes, I wash my underwear and I practice normal, every day hygiene, I cook my food and chew with my mouth closed, and I pick up the potato chips off the floor when my husband spills them. I'm not literally crunchy.

Being a crunchy mom involves things like babywearing, cloth diapering, breast feeding, delay-vaccinate (Or not vaccinate at all) delaying solids, cosleeping and bedsharing, using teething necklaces, natural remedies, and essential oils and other things some people call "weird." I'll admit, I'm not fully crunchified- but I'm a bit crispy!

Cloth diapering is incredibly easy. At one point my neighbor (who turned out to be one of my best friends, I may add!) came over and was raving about some video showing a lady spraying baby poop in the toilet. Yippee. I thought she was nuts! It seemed dirty, and like waaaay too much work for me!

Four months later, I have over 35 cloth diapers... and cloth wipes... and baby leggings to match them!

I also breastfeed, and plan to for quite a while, however we do supplement with formula and Ayana has recently started eating cereal. We babywear to an extent, although Ayana likes to move (and has since she was inside me popping ribs out of place!) and would often rather be in a stroller or rolling around on the floor exploring on her own.

We also bedshare a lot of the time, which I know many people frown upon. It works for us, we have a large bed, I am a light sleeper and we take precautions against the known dangers of bedsharing. It can be safe if you know your stuff. No "extras!" If you aren't willing to give up your stuffed animal that I *know* you still sleep with, or those 12 pillows that are propped up around you, don't do it! If you could sleep through an invasion sponsored by Monsters, Inc. bedsharing is not a safe option for you! However, if you do your research and feel comfortable with the idea, go for it! It has created an incredible bond between Ayana and I, and ever Tyler admits he likes her in the bed with us!

Now, when it comes to the medical side of things.. that's where the "not fully" part of "not fully crunchified" comes in. We do vaccinate, not all the way, but there is a reason why Polio and Measles outbreaks are in the past (or were until people stopped vaccinating...) I, nor Ayana, receive the flu vaccine. I believe the body has a natural immune system, which can only be built up by using it. There are certain things Tyler and I feel the body needs to develop a natural immunity to, like the flu and chicken pox.

Natural remedies are great. I, for one, don't like taking a million medications to make me feel better if I don't have to, and I don't like the idea of pumping my 14lb daughter full of medication if there is another way.

Hence, amber teething necklaces! I am a bit skeptical (but don't tell the husband!) but I am willing to give it a shot! Baltic amber resin has been said to release a natural analgesic, helping babies to cope with the discomfort of teething, and if a simple thing as a necklace (that, yes grandma, is safe for her to wear under my supervision of course!) can keep Ayana Tylenol (and fuss) free I am willing to give it a shot!

I'm not so crunchy that I collect used sink water to flush my toilet or have an indoor compost pile stewing in my kitchen, but I enjoy exploring into a new realm of parenting I was never introduced to before. That being said, I refuse to be that "natural minded mom" that shoves her beliefs down every new mother's throat. If you want to use formula and disposable diapers, baby's own bed and a flu vaccine then more power to you!

Everyone parents in their own way. This is my way, I love it.. And heck, the worst I could do is screw it up!

And it begins..

You look out to the crowd, to all the "adults" you just spend the last 12 years with, and it really doesn't seem real that, come September, you won't be picking out the perfect outfit, primping your hair and fixing yourself up just right to impress that crush you've had since fourth grade and trying to prove to everyone how awesome you had become over the last two months. Instead, you'll be going to college, starting a new job, even traveling to a foreign country. They hand you a piece of paper, and you go take a seat back in your last assigned seat in your high school career.

That's it? THAT is what I did all this for? Some measly piece of paper that you could have paid the creepy dude at the library to forge for you?

I planned to go to college, live the high life of frat parties and breeze through all my classes. Graduate and get a great job, how awesome and easy that sounded!

Long story short: I hated it.

And here I am now, four and a half years later I have been married for two and a half years with a beautiful baby girl, living in the blustery, snow covered north woods of New York and I couldn't ask for more. Of course I am still in school, and nearing graduation, but no frat parties or "high life" for me!

But that's okay, because most of all I think I was craving life in itself. Something to live for, something to make living worth it. Sure there are nights where I wonder "Why the hell didn't I just throw on some heels and a skimpy skirt and head to that frat house?!" but all in all, I think I did all right.

From a 17 year old high school graduate to a 22 year old wife and mother who has lived in three states, is nearing a Bachelor of Science in Accounting Information System, successfully runs her own direct sales business, is a "crunchy" (for those who don't know what that means, I'll get to it at a later date ;) ) and thrifty momma, and can look at a shooting star without having a wish to make, I think I have more to be proud of, and more to look forward to, than many of my fellow graduates who sat in the audience that day.

When you really look at it, I guess you could say I screwed up my own plans. But hey, if that's the worst I ever screw up I guess I'm doing alright!